Calling all drunks! Cortez welcomes you with open arms! You can join the already swelling ranks of your peers here in the beautiful Southwest. Get as sloppy drunk as much as you want. Being drunk in public isn’t a crime here! You’ll have to step up your drinking, though, to keep up with the cast of regulars who have already discovered the benefits of existing in beautiful Cortez — they’re quite the pros!

We have several parks in town that are yours to frolic, urinate, sleep, vomit, whatever — and best of all — it’s not a crime to be falling-down drunk here.

There is a rumor of a nasty petition to change that, but not to worry: It hasn’t been circulating lately. There are many good Samaritans willing to call for an ambulance for you (free of charge to you! The taxpayers will pick up the bill), and take you to the emergency room (again, no charge to you!).

The shelter may be closed for the season, but don’t worry about that ­ just swill enough liquor, hand sanitizer, mouthwash or hairspray to get your blood alcohol near epic levels. That’ll insure a lengthy stay in the Emergency Room, and the fine citizens of Montezuma County don’t mind the extra wait to get into the ER while you sleep it off. And plan on a good long stay.

Summer will be fine for outdoor sleeping, and when temperatures start to plummet, there’s a shelter especially for folks so blasted you don’t know what planet you’re on.

There’s not one for battered women or even children, but Cortez will take care of you. That’s how special you are!

Does a life of total inebriation and no self responsibility appeal to you? Cortez is calling.

Kelly Ogle

Cortez